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An archive, of sorts

FORMAHEEN

Mahu  •  Bunny

Some things are easier to leave
than to say aloud.

Twenty chapters  ·  one hidden room

Chapter zero

Before You Enter

There are some things

I never learned how to say

without making them sound smaller than they felt.

So I put them here instead.

Not because I expect anything from you.

Not because I want to change what has already happened.

Not because I was brave. I want you to look back

and feel something you no longer feel.

I just wanted, for once,

to let the words come somewhere

without asking it to become anything.

I remember the good days.

I remember the stupid jokes,

the random songs,

the little things you probably forgot

but somehow stayed with me.

Chapter zero, continued

To Truly See

To love someone is to see them

for who they are beneath everything else.

Not only for who they were.

Not for the mistakes they made.

Not for the version of themselves

they show the world.

But for the soul underneath it all.

The beauty. The sadness. The light they sometimes

forget they carry.

Real love does not only look at the surface.

It notices the things left unsaid.

It sees through the walls people build

when they are trying to protect themselves.

It stays gentle through the chaos.

It does not pretend the scars are not there.

It simply understands that scars

are also part of the story.

Index

The Chapters

A collection of memories, letters, poems and moments.
Twenty of them. One of them is not on this list.

There is nothing hidden in plain sight. Except seven things.

Chapter 01

Your Side

Before I tell you my story,
I wanted to remember yours.

I keep adding to this page. Slowly. The way I learn you.

Chapter 02

My Side

And if you ever wondered what my side looked like —
here it is. All of it. Unedited.

I did not write this part to be forgiven. I wrote it because it was mine, and it was heavy, and putting it down felt like the first honest thing I have done in a long time.

Chapter 03

What Happened Between Us

A collection of moments — some beautiful, some difficult, but all part of our story.

Here you can add photos, videos, letters or even hidden messages from each moment.

Your memory goes here/media/your-memory-goes-here.jpg
Location / Date

I am not going to narrate which of these was my fault and which was yours. Some of them were both. That is what “between” means.

Chapter 04

Little Things About You

The little things that make you, you.

None of this is a list of things I found impressive about you. It is a list of things I noticed, which is a much lonelier sentence, and a much more honest one.

Chapter 05

The Days I Went Out

A small journal of everywhere I went to find the right things for you.

  1. The first SaturdayThe bangle shop, again

    Came home with nothing. Told myself it was reconnaissance.

    The shop/media/the-shop.mp4
    Video · the shop, the light through the shutters

    Video · the shop, the light through the shutters

  2. A TuesdayThree shops in one afternoon

    Chandigarh is very loud about things that are not the right colour.

    Shopfronts/media/shopfronts.jpg
    Photos · shopfronts

    Photos · shopfronts

  3. A SundayHome, with my sister

    She held up eight pairs. I rejected eight pairs. She has not forgiven me.

    The argument/media/the-argument.mp4
    Video · the argument

    Video · the argument

  4. A weekday eveningThe market, then home

    Found the teddy. Found the bunny. Bought the lights and second-guessed the lights.

    The shelf/media/the-shelf.jpg
    Photos · the shelf

    Photos · the shelf

  5. The night beforeMy room, lights off

    Wrote in the diary. Wrote more than I meant to. Some of it I will say out loud here; some of it you already saw by accident.

    No footage of this one. I remember it anyway.

    —

I made videos of most of this. Not to show anyone. Mostly so that on the days it felt like none of it had happened, I would have proof that it did.

Chapter 06

Five Days For One Pair

The search for the perfect bangles.

Same shop. Five days. One pair.

Day 01 — the shop/media/day-01-the-shop.mp4
Video · the shop, the second visit

Video · the shop, the second visit

Day 01

The first day of the search

I went in knowing exactly what I wanted, which is a thing I should have known was dangerous.

Burgundy. Deep. Not pink-red, not wine, not maroon. The shade of a room with the lights off and the curtains closed.

I held up pair after pair and every single one of them was close enough to be annoying. Close enough that it was obvious I was looking for something specific, and not specific enough to ever be right.

I came home with nothing and told myself I was being patient.

Five days in one shop, one shop my sister found, and one pair of bangles. This is the whole story and it is not nearly the whole story.

Chapter 07

Burgundy

The colour I named after you.

Not the wine. Not the rose.

The exact shade of a late evening

when the room is warm and nobody speaks.

I went looking for it once, in a shop,

and the woman behind the counter asked

who it was for.

I did not answer.

Some answers are better kept in the chest.

People ask what the website is about. It is about a colour that does not have a name in most shops, and about the fact that I looked for it for five days.

Tap a shade. The room changes.

Chapter 08

The Flowers I Couldn't Send

Lilies — your favourite flowers.

I wanted to send them.

But I could not find the right ones.

The ones that would survive

the journey.

So instead,

I am sending you this —

A little piece of the garden

I could not put in a box.

The reason

Nothing I found would have arrived alive.

What I tried

Four florists. Two couriers. One very patient woman on a phone.

What I chose instead

A colour. A drawing. This entire place.

Lilies/media/lilies.jpg
The attempt that did not survive/media/the-attempt-that-did-not-survive.jpg

The lilies here will not wilt, which is the only advantage they have over the ones I could not send.

Chapter 09

Little Things That Became Yours

Little things that became yours.

Each one has a story. None of them is about the object.

What was inside

  • Bangles — burgundy, five days, one pair
  • Teddy bear — because something had to be soft
  • Bunny — because of course
  • Name keychains — two names, because I could not choose one
  • Diary — the one you were not meant to see early
  • Lights — so the box was worth opening properly

Chapter 10

The Diary

A few pages from my heart to yours.

Some of it was seen before it was sent. I have left those pages in.

Diary scan/media/diary-scan.jpg
Handwriting
Diary scan/media/diary-scan.jpg
Handwriting

Written by hand

The Diary

Do not read this in front of anyone.

Mahu

Page one

Before I start

I am writing this in the same week I am writing everything else in, which means I am aware of how this looks. A man, alone, at night, filling a diary about a girl who is not there. I am aware.

I am writing it anyway.

Not as evidence. As practice. Saying it here first so that saying it there does not cost me anything.

Bunny

Page two

The bangles, again

Went back to the shop for the third time today. The woman has stopped greeting me, which is worse than being recognised.

I keep thinking about how small the thing is. It is a pair of bangles. It costs less than a month of anything. And I have spent three days on it because the colour has to be right, and the reason the colour has to be right is that she is going to wear it against her wrist and look down at it and I will never see that.

So it has to be right. For the version of me that will not be there.

Bunny

Cover

Chapter 11

Behind The Box

How a plain box became something.

I chose the box. I decorated it. I arranged everything by hand — twice — and then took it all out and did it again.

  1. 01

    The box

    Plain. Too plain. I went back for a second one anyway, and the second one was worse, so the first one stayed. I have never been able to commit to a container in my life.

    The box/media/the-box.jpg
    Photos · both boxes
  2. 02

    The rule

    It travels through your best friend. That means: no ribbon, no card, no name on the outside, nothing that says a boy is involved. I agreed to it immediately. It cost me more than the box did.

    No footage of this one.

  3. 03

    My sister

    She was there for the bangles, and she was there for the arrangement. She also told me the box was going to be too full, and she was right, and I moved three things to the bottom and hid them.

    The arrangement/media/the-arrangement.jpg
    Video · the argument about space
  4. 04

    By hand

    The lights went in last, on top, because the box needed one moment of brightness when it opened. I threaded them around the outside instead, in the end, because that is how you signal that a thing was made by hand.

    The handover/media/the-handover.jpg
    Video · the lights
  5. 05

    The second arrangement

    I took everything out and did it again. Nothing was wrong with the first one. I just wanted it to be right, which is a sentence that applies to more than the box.

    Photos · both arrangements/media/photos-both-arrangements.jpg
    Photos · both arrangements
  6. 06

    Handover

    Wrapped, disguised, carried. It left the house as something ordinary, which was the whole point. The only part of it that was not ordinary was inside, and nobody would know until it was opened.

    No footage of this one.

Chapter 12

Our Timeline

The moments that built our story.

There is a gap between 25.12.2024 and 01.01.2025. I deleted what was in it. You already know that, if you found the fourth secret — and I am leaving the gap exactly where it is.

Chapter 12

Photo / Video / Letter/media/photo-video-letter.jpg
Photo / Video / Letter

Chapter 13

45 Minutes

The bus rides. Your snaps. My quiet moments.

Between forty-five minutes and an hour, once or twice a day, on a bus, with nothing to do but watch your Snapchat videos.

  • Your eyes.The way they change in every single video. Same eyes, twelve different days, and I could tell you which was which.
  • Your eyebrows.Doing the work of a whole sentence. Half of what you have ever said to me arrived here first.
  • Your expressions.The face you make when you are about to say something honest. You never caught it. I caught it every time.
  • Your body language.Pulling your knees up. Leaning into the camera and away again. The forty-five minutes were mostly a study in this.
  • The way you looked around.Left, then right, then up. Every time you walked into a room, including the ones in the videos.
  • Random little moments.The ceiling. A dog. Your hand covering the lens because you were embarrassed. No context. All of it kept.

People ask what I do on those buses. This is what I do on those buses.

Drop a bus-ride video here/media/drop-a-bus-ride-video-here.mp4
00:00 / 00:00

Forty-five minutes to an hour, once or twice a day, on a bus, with nothing to do but watch. I have never told anyone what those rides were actually for. This page is the first time I have written it down.

Bunny

Chapter 14

Bunny

Because that is what you called me, and I kept it.

Everyone has a name they were given.

You gave me another one, without ever saying it out loud.

Bunny. Small. Quick. Hard to catch once you let go.

I kept the name.

That is all I needed to keep.

A contact name

Saved on a phone that is not in my pocket.

A voice note

Recorded four times. Sent the fourth. The first three are still there.

A keychain

It is in the box. It has both names on it because I could not choose.

A signature

Every letter and every page in here is signed with it.

You did not call me that once. You called me that in a way, and I have been answering to it ever since.

Bunny/media/bunny.jpg
The plush, in the box/media/the-plush-in-the-box.jpg

The plush in the box is the same one. It has the burgundy ribbon, because I put it there, and because everything in that box is burgundy.

Chapter 15

Letters

Letters from my heart, to yours.

Four of them are here. There was a fifth. It exists, and it is the only one that used the word please more than twice.

Your letter goes here…

Letter 01

Chapter 16

The Poems

Words that live in my heart.

Six of them. None of them have a title that says what they are about, because the titles were the easy part.

Chapter 17

Find The Moon

Some things aren’t meant to be found…
but I would love for you to find them.

Secrets found: 0 / 7

They are scattered. Look for what glows.

Seven things are hidden across this archive. A star. A lily. A page left open. A dial. A line of writing. A gap in a list. A track that plays.

A room I built for the sentences that start with “what if”.

Not a chapter

The IF Room

A place for the thoughts I never said out loud.

You found all seven. This room was behind them the whole time.

This room was not in the list. It was behind seven things, and it stays shut for anyone who does not go looking.

Chapter 18

Now

Where things stand. What I have learned.
What I still carry.

I am not going to tell you what you feel. I have no right to that, and I would get it wrong, and you have never once needed me to narrate you.

Where things stand now

We are not in the same place, and that has been true long enough that it no longer feels like something happening to me. It feels like a distance I have learned to stand at without leaning.

What I understand now

That people can care about each other and still not be in the same story. That a good ending is not always available. That asking to be chosen is a request, and a request can be refused, and I get to keep the rest.

What I have learned

To write a diary and not send it. To say a hard thing once and then let it be said. To let someone be right about their own life without me writing a better version in a file they will never open.

What I still carry

The bus. The colour. The five days. The way you looked around a room before you decided anything about it. I am not carrying it as a problem. I am carrying it the way you carry a book you have read eleven times.

Chapter 19

While You Look

I know you’re waiting for love.

Not the kind people talk about.

Not the kind that arrives on schedule

and asks to be introduced to your mother.

The kind that is patient.

The kind that sees the whole of you

before it decides anything.

I hope you find it.

I mean that as plainly as I have ever meant anything.

And I want to be clear about what I am not doing here.

I am not asking you to choose me.

I am not asking you to wait.

I am not asking you for anything at all.

This is me, being glad of you from a distance,

and letting that be the entire shape of it.

If you are reading this, then you are already looking. That is enough for me.

Finale

Someday

Where this is allowed to end up.

I don’t know what happens next,

but I hope life is kind to both of us.

May we both find happiness,

grow into the people we’re meant to be,

and build the lives we dream about.

  • Life
  • Growth
  • Happiness
  • A future
  • Hope without expectation

No promises. No conditions. Just: I hope.

Someday/media/someday.jpg
Add a photo here

Not every beautiful thing needs to have its ending written yet.

This one does not have to be finished today.

For Maheen,

Always

from Mahu

Music

A little background for your journey

the one from the bus3:45
00:00 / 3:45